Suddenly

Clearing Out Storage

1 month 2 weeks ago
As many of you know, I moved from Chicago to Dallas a little over a year ago in order to live with family instead of alone. It tore me up inside to leave all the people who cared for me … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

The Power of Community

1 month 2 weeks ago
Yesterday I posted about how I experience suicidal ideation. I have followers on WordPress, and the blog crossposts on Twitter and Facebook with followers in both places. On all three platforms I got responses concerned about my safety. Thank you … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Suicidality

1 month 3 weeks ago
I am not suicidal and I have all the hotlines on speed dial. But there are guns in the house I live in. They are locked up, and I don’t even know where the safes are. I only have access … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

The Other Shoe Dropped

1 month 3 weeks ago
I hate to say “I told you so,” but I did tell you that stability wouldn’t last. Over the last week-plus, I slipped into depression, with fatigue, hopelessness, sadness, guilt, tearfulness, and the agony of suicidal impulses and visions. What … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

The Value Independence

2 months ago
Happy Pi Day! (March 14, 3/14 for 3.14, the decimal approximation of the mathematical concept of pi) OK, now that I’ve displayed my nerdiness for the day… I’ve written before about how I have valued living independently very highly among … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Living with Bipolar

2 months 1 week ago
“Bipolar is just one part of me.” “You are brave and courageous.” “You are feeling good! You can get to this place again.” These are the post-its I see several times a day as I take medication for many things, … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Mixed Up Feelings

2 months 3 weeks ago
I’m all over the place with my feelings. Not even sure if my mood is shifting too, or just feel down because of so many feelings. I was in a minor car accident this week, with just enough damage to … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Grateful

3 months ago
The last couple days have been thankfully, gratefully, blessed with lower anxiety. So even though I still have suicidal thoughts, they don’t hook into the anxiety and become obsessive. They float in as any thought does, and they float out, … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Not Just Grieving or Angry

3 months ago
I still have near constant suicidal thoughts as discussed in my last post. I’ve researched some possibilities to carry it out, and come to the same conclusion that my primary method is the best for me, AND I cannot do … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Suicidal Ideation

3 months 1 week ago
A clawing, gnawing at the inside of my breastbone. Tears behind my eyes, but not released. Anxiety creases in the forehead. A fluttering heartbeat to my left, blankness and emptiness of the soul to the right. I see how I … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

College – Reprised

3 months 1 week ago
I’ve had an exciting week becoming a college student again. Now, I already have a bachelor’s degree, 2 master’s degrees plus a diploma showing an academic concentration. So I really don’t need any more education, now do I? But I … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

A Month of Me

3 months 2 weeks ago
Who am I in this new mental state? I really don’t know! I had my last ECT a month ago, a Month Ago! My mood is stable; my thoughts about death and suicide are not. They continue to come and … Continue reading →
revdebmatt
Checked
50 minutes 59 seconds ago
Suddenly
Trying to Find Stability and a New Normal
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