Suddenly

The Value Independence

5 days 14 hours ago
Happy Pi Day! (March 14, 3/14 for 3.14, the decimal approximation of the mathematical concept of pi) OK, now that I’ve displayed my nerdiness for the day… I’ve written before about how I have valued living independently very highly among … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Living with Bipolar

1 week 5 days ago
“Bipolar is just one part of me.” “You are brave and courageous.” “You are feeling good! You can get to this place again.” These are the post-its I see several times a day as I take medication for many things, … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Mixed Up Feelings

3 weeks 4 days ago
I’m all over the place with my feelings. Not even sure if my mood is shifting too, or just feel down because of so many feelings. I was in a minor car accident this week, with just enough damage to … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Grateful

1 month ago
The last couple days have been thankfully, gratefully, blessed with lower anxiety. So even though I still have suicidal thoughts, they don’t hook into the anxiety and become obsessive. They float in as any thought does, and they float out, … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Not Just Grieving or Angry

1 month ago
I still have near constant suicidal thoughts as discussed in my last post. I’ve researched some possibilities to carry it out, and come to the same conclusion that my primary method is the best for me, AND I cannot do … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Suicidal Ideation

1 month 1 week ago
A clawing, gnawing at the inside of my breastbone. Tears behind my eyes, but not released. Anxiety creases in the forehead. A fluttering heartbeat to my left, blankness and emptiness of the soul to the right. I see how I … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

College – Reprised

1 month 1 week ago
I’ve had an exciting week becoming a college student again. Now, I already have a bachelor’s degree, 2 master’s degrees plus a diploma showing an academic concentration. So I really don’t need any more education, now do I? But I … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

A Month of Me

1 month 2 weeks ago
Who am I in this new mental state? I really don’t know! I had my last ECT a month ago, a Month Ago! My mood is stable; my thoughts about death and suicide are not. They continue to come and … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Sick, But Well

2 months ago
I am still steady, stable, in the middle with my mood! I have more energy. I wake up ready for the day. I have hope that I can do things in my life, not just have energy for them now, … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Post-It Note to Myself

2 months 1 week ago
You are feeling good! You can get to this place again! So says the third post-it on my bathroom mirror. Both my psychiatrist and my therapist insisted I do something to remember this time. “Most people don’t remember their good … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

No ECT!!!

2 months 1 week ago
I showed up for my scheduled ECT this morning. And in the pre-screen I talked about how well I’m doing, back to baseline on everything. Somehow the conversation twisted and the PA asked if I even wanted a treatment today. … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

See! You Have a Purpose

2 months 2 weeks ago
So I was talking to my therapist, as one does, and we were exploring what to do with the ever-present suicidal thoughts. He had tried getting me to welcome them as just part of the landscape of my mind, something … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Around the Cycle Goes

2 months 3 weeks ago
This week has been up and down and around as my mood, or more my thoughts, cycle through various mental phases. I started the week with the ever popular Xmas delusion I get every year. Fortunately it lasted only several … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

The Hardest Part of the Year

3 months ago
I’m trying not to over-anticipate the next 10 days. Right now my bipolar is stable and in the middle. (Yay!!) But there’s a full moon, a solstice and a Christmas delusion which all have strong possibilities of messing up my … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Taking a Look Around

3 months 1 week ago
I did not go to the hospital for ECT this morning, for all the reasons given in yesterday’s post. I just don’t think the presence of suicidal thoughts that are part of my mind’s landscape on a normal day – given … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Suicidal Perspective

3 months 1 week ago
No, I’m not suicidal. At least I don’t think I am. I am scheduled for a 21st ECT tomorrow, but am authorized to call it off and schedule for Thursday instead if I don’t have any symptoms. Which means I’d … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

A Step Backward?

3 months 3 weeks ago
I ended up in the hospital the day after Thanksgiving after ECT, and stayed until Sunday. I was hypomanic and depressed, often called a mixed mood or dysphoric mania. Suicidal thoughts disappeared after ECT. Just like they did after the … Continue reading →
revdebmatt
Checked
37 minutes 23 seconds ago
Suddenly
Trying to Find Stability and a New Normal
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