Suddenly

Post-It Note to Myself

4 days 17 hours ago
You are feeling good! You can get to this place again! So says the third post-it on my bathroom mirror. Both my psychiatrist and my therapist insisted I do something to remember this time. “Most people don’t remember their good … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

No ECT!!!

5 days 16 hours ago
I showed up for my scheduled ECT this morning. And in the pre-screen I talked about how well I’m doing, back to baseline on everything. Somehow the conversation twisted and the PA asked if I even wanted a treatment today. … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

See! You Have a Purpose

1 week 4 days ago
So I was talking to my therapist, as one does, and we were exploring what to do with the ever-present suicidal thoughts. He had tried getting me to welcome them as just part of the landscape of my mind, something … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Around the Cycle Goes

2 weeks 4 days ago
This week has been up and down and around as my mood, or more my thoughts, cycle through various mental phases. I started the week with the ever popular Xmas delusion I get every year. Fortunately it lasted only several … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

The Hardest Part of the Year

4 weeks 2 days ago
I’m trying not to over-anticipate the next 10 days. Right now my bipolar is stable and in the middle. (Yay!!) But there’s a full moon, a solstice and a Christmas delusion which all have strong possibilities of messing up my … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Taking a Look Around

1 month ago
I did not go to the hospital for ECT this morning, for all the reasons given in yesterday’s post. I just don’t think the presence of suicidal thoughts that are part of my mind’s landscape on a normal day – given … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Suicidal Perspective

1 month ago
No, I’m not suicidal. At least I don’t think I am. I am scheduled for a 21st ECT tomorrow, but am authorized to call it off and schedule for Thursday instead if I don’t have any symptoms. Which means I’d … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

A Step Backward?

1 month 2 weeks ago
I ended up in the hospital the day after Thanksgiving after ECT, and stayed until Sunday. I was hypomanic and depressed, often called a mixed mood or dysphoric mania. Suicidal thoughts disappeared after ECT. Just like they did after the … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Holding Steady Or Hypomania?

1 month 3 weeks ago
It has been 4 days since my last ECT treatment. I’m not scheduled for another treatment for 2 more days. And my mood will probably hold steady as it has been  more or less during the last 4 days. Yesterday … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Brighter Affect

2 months ago
Not only am I feeling better – much less depressed – but I am also _looking_ better too. Doctors and nurses are noticing that I look like I’m feeling better. My appearance matches my reported mood. People at church are … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Lucky Number 13-ECT

2 months ago
Today I had my 13th ECT treatment. My depression continues to improve! I’ve had 3 ECT’s each week of the last several weeks. My brain is rewiring itself with the seizures, and symptoms are going away. Appetite and sleep are … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

ECT Update

2 months 2 weeks ago
I have now had 8 ECT treatments. My short-term memory is just starting to be affected, but with prompts I can remember things ok. My mood is slowly getting better, though. I’m not thinking about suicide and I don’t seem … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Things Are Looking Up

2 months 4 weeks ago
17 days in the hospital, 3 ECT, 1 new med, 3 meds stopped, and 1 med in a different form. Its been a busy time in here!  So far my responsiveness is better and brighter, as is my affect. My … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

Early ECT

3 months ago
On Friday I had the first ECT in this series. It went smoothly with only the expected horrible all-over aches for two days now. I have the next three this week, Mon,Wed, Fri. When I am adjusted to the treatments … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

New Hospital…and ECT Again

3 months ago
I have been staring into the abyss for two weeks. I have been very close to suicide, even in the hospital, where I am right now. I didn’t get to take my Chicago vacation because I was in a New … Continue reading →
revdebmatt

In a Dark Place Again

3 months 2 weeks ago
I’m of two minds again. One part of my mind wants to go on the trip to Chicago next week. I’ve got plans to do some fun things and to catch up with friends. In theory there are other trips I … Continue reading →
revdebmatt
Checked
39 minutes 17 seconds ago
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Trying to Find Stability and a New Normal
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